Long exposure self-portraits
Today I finished embroidering a lingerie set I bought as part of a personal project looking into my own feminine ideals. It has lead me to question my sexual identity along with how I feel about myself and within myself, the way I wish to present and how I would like to be viewed by others.
Having recently come to terms with my change in the way I identify from a sexual orientation point of view, this theme of ‘feminine ideals’ is a big question, constantly at the front of my mind. Through my artwork I am searching for answers within myself, and how they fit into the world in which I exist. I am keen to explore my sexual desires and fantasies through my artwork but through a self-realisation and engagement with others, without objectifying them (which is a very difficult thing to understand never mind achieve). As a female model, a lot of my life feels like it is not very private. The things I do, the way I present myself online, especially social media give people an insight into my life and a point of view from which to judge me. I also find it difficult trying to explore myself through art, whilst also keeping my professional life separate; for example, I often shoot alongside other models, which I find both fun and incredibly creative. I love the challenge of creating artistic shapes and interactions between more than just one person in front of the camera, however, I often feel self conscious when working with others as I don’t want them to feel in any way uncomfortable working with me because of my sexuality. I often get asked by people (outside of the freelance model industry) whether there is ‘real’ interactions and connections with those that I model with, and whilst there is a certain amount of chemistry between people I work well with, I’d hate them to think there was anything beyond a professional working relationship and a friendship. Just because I identify as lesbian/queer, I don't want other models (that I either work alongside or photograph) to feel that I might have sexual feelings towards them as, to me, that would feel unprofessional and weird.
It leaves me in a very strange place of trying to understand my desires without directly projecting them onto others and without trying to non-consensually sexualise the models I photograph. My journey is about finding myself and how I can better understand my own desires and emotions, rather than finding how I feel about others, but it’s often easier (and sometimes the only way) to express myself by being the artist/creator and hence requiring a muse/model/subject.
I have found that it is an entirely different experience to photograph a professional model (or person that I don’t know) than it is to photograph my girlfriend yet, up until recently, I have been very nervous about taking photos of my partner for fear that I was incapable or didn’t have enough experience to portray her in a suitable way. I am trying to get over that and just enjoy creating artwork with her involvement.
Another method of exploration is self-photography. Given that I am more confident as a model than I am as a photographer, it comes much more naturally for me to be expressive in front of a camera rather than behind one. For this reason I enjoy experimenting with self-portraits because I feel there is no pressure and I am entirely able to express myself. The problems lie that sometimes it can be very limiting not being able to see through the lens and adjust an image as required whilst also in front of the camera. I really enjoyed playing with long exposure shots and really wanted to experiment more by myself but obviously couldn’t zoom in/out after pressing the shutter whilst also in front of the camera.
After much experimentation, I found that I could create similar images to those I had taken of Ellarna if I moved myself rather than moving the camera. The shots were very unpredictable and took a lot of time to figure out the most appropriate settings, along with using a remote trigger, however I’m really pleased with the outcome of these particular shots. I originally planned to keep them in colour but upon experimenting I found that the black and white brought out more detail in the multiple images and also gave a more emotional feel to them. Especially as I had no props to interact with I like the focus on the shapes, the expressions and the blurring lines between sensuality and eroticism.
(click slideshow to view):
I personally feel that a lot of images that show or suggest women being sexual, whether that is implied or explicit is often done from a very male perspective. It is done for the ‘satisfaction’ or ‘pleasure’ of the male observer. Most cinema is created from a male view point with the majority of female actresses taking the role of supporting the male, even films with a ‘strong female lead’ often end when the woman meets a man and ‘lives happily ever after’. This aggravates me because to me female pleasure and exploration solely for the purpose of the woman is massively important. Women doing things for themselves and looking after themselves is hugely important, especially in today’s society! I think in trying to express that it is okay for women to want to be viewed in an erotic way because they themselves are enjoying the experience or the thrill or showing themselves in that light is a very empowering thing and doesn't have to be at all related to a male viewer. This is something I’m working on being able to express in my work but am still, as of yet, struggling to express my ideas either through words or art.
The journey continues.
MR x
p.s. I'm also adding in some additional self-shots I did because I like them, I enjoy playing with light and am occasionally a little too narcissistic :P >_<
